I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
