Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bring me that man meat
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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