why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
