Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
