Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Randomize
