Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
