Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
