drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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