I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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