I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
