last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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