when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
