You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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