I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
