Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
