thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The uberlube is also flammable
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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