in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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