i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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