My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
