That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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