I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
