Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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