no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
