dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
