I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
