I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
