and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
