there's paper in my vomit.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
