well I can't set my house on fire every night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
