Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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