I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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