Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
