did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
