i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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