i need an iv and a liver transplant
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
