Whod you bang
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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