my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
