I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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