I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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