I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
