2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
