its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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