Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
