I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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