I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
