sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
