apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
