but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
