I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
