I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
